Dear 'Neighbor',
I am not sure where you live in our neighborhood. I am not sure if you even live here
at all... perhaps you were a guest at the party thrown this evening at the property located across the street. I do know that you ended the evening walking in that direction, so I can only guess where you came from originally.
But I digress...
Dear neighbor, allow me to introduce you to the protocols of neighborhood living.
Although the parcels across the street from mine are regular 'tract' lots, my property is classified 'rural acreage' - 6.1 acres, to be exact. That's something like 200 continuous feet of road frontage across the 'face' of my parcel. However, given the proximity of my home to the others, this is still a 'neighborhood'....even though it does not have sidewalks, gutters, or even clear property boundaries in some cases. My boundaries, however, are quite clear - they are delineated by the paved road running along the entire frontage of my parcel. They are delineated by the white four-board fences running both parallel across that frontage on both pastures, AND perpendicular to the road down either side of my property AND our main drive. Only my front yard 'proper' is not fenced.
And there is where you made your 'entrance', oh neighbor of mine.
Yes, you sauntered -
nay, even sashayed - yourself onto my lawn in the dusk of eveningtide. You breached the barrier of my clear property line and moved not inches, not a foot, but TEN FEET into my yard, before stopping and halting your dog. And there you stood while watching him DO HIS BUSINESS ON MY GRASS. While my husband and I were CLEARLY visible sitting in our living room just feet away.
This is not proper neighborhood protocol, in any situation. Especially at dusk. One approaches on the paved areas if one is coming 'to call', If one is NOT coming 'to call', then one does not enter private property.
Your wife had the good sense to approach on our driveway, and then to scurry away quickly when she saw me arise from my sofa and approach the screen door. She was melting into the shadows as I spoke to you... and you ignored me.
Being only ten feet away from my front door, standing in the middle of my front yard, I still can't
imagine how you did not hear me ask 'Hello? Is that your dog?' and then, again, 'Sir? Is that your dog?'. You see, I could not yet see the leash connecting him to you. I was confused for a split second, thinking that perhaps the dog had been injured or had run away, and you were trying to approach him at the spot he landed on my lawn.
But no, there was indeed a leash, and you were indeed holding it.
And you were indeed letting your animal use my yard as a
toilet.
You slowly turned your head to me and said with utter distain, 'Yeah. We were just passing by.'
huh. 'Passing by'.... what a peculiar term to be used for the act of letting your dog CRAP on someone else's property. You did not even begin to move away, or to control your dog. You just stood there and let him finish. I asked 'Are you letting your dog poop in my LAWN?' and you said 'He's not pooping.' Ahhhhhh, well, then,
that's OK. He can piss away and burn the grass with his acidic urine. No problem.
Riiiiiiight.
So then I answer, aghast, 'Please leave my yard'. You stand still and do not acknowledge me. I say 'Sir, take your dog off of my property." And you finally move toward the street, walking slowly.
At this point your wife, whom I hope is mortified beyond all belief at your behavior whilst she hides in the shadows, steps forward and says 'He's not pooping'. As if THAT is going to assuage my damaged grass and rising blood pressure at this point. (Again, yeah, sure, sweets, it's FINE if Fido PEES all over my yard. NOT.}
And then, the coup de grace:
As your dog wipes his ass on my lawn, and you pull him across the pavement, you yell 'WHAT NICE NEIGHBORS WE HAVE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, DEAR. HOW RUDE!" and turn to me to add 'We'll never come NEAR your property again, don't WORRY lady!" so loud that the partygoers at the house across the street can hear you.
And then you walk to THEIR house and let your dog wander all over THEIR lawn.
SO either you were a guest at the party OR you are much, much more clueless and RUDE than I first ascertained.
I'm still shaking. I'm still mad and bewildered at the reasoning behind you entering my yard. I have no FREAKING idea WHY you would do that, but buddy,
you just started something. I have a water bottle with a spout on it, and tomorrow morning I am filling it up with bleach and water. And then I'm taking my morning walk down that street to see if I can find YOUR HOUSE. And when I DO, I'm going to be dribbling that acidic bleach water out of my bottle as I walk across your grass.... as I'm 'just passing by'.
And so help me, if I walk outside into my front yard in the light of day tomorrow, and there is a pile of dog crap there, it's going to be delivered straight to your front door. Vigorously. With Velocity.
And your street address will be displayed prominently in my front yard, along with the
'no pooping dogs' apparatus shown in the illustration above. So that everyone knows what kind of neighbors we REALLY have.
Have a NICE DAY, neighbor.....
{My friends, I was channeling
Saucy as I wrote that. I pictured her recent utter disdain at the Rheem company, and let it fly.... ;0) } This has been a MOST disarming and unusual day in SO many ways.
