9.13.2013

simplify

 Hello, friends...
I'm guessing that you've just arrived,
and have noticed some drastic changes here on Hummadeedledee...

So much is going on in my brain, and my life 
that sometimes it just takes a few lines in typewriter font in a daily email to make me STOP...

This is what came from Brave Girls Club:



I read it once. Then again. Then I closed the email, but kept it as 'new/unread' in my inbox.
I thought about it a bit, then read it again. Kept it as 'new/unread'. Thought some more. 
Opened it again this morning, re-read it, and thought some more.

The reason I kept thinking was because little voices were shouting things in my head:

Yes, actually, it IS time to simplify.

And so I had to take those little voices a word at a time, calm them down,
stop them from jumping all over the place so that I could hear the meaning behind them.
It became very clear then...

I have this deep-seated fear that drives a habitual response in my head and heart:
That I have lived my life in a hallway and I have to keep ALL of the doors open
and stay alert for any possible option and opportunity that might come along
at any second of any hour of any day of any year. ANY opportunity.
And I am tired of it.

I am tired of thinking that I can't focus, or choose one thing, one door to walk through,
because by choosing one thing then I am saying 'NO' to everything else.
And what's so wrong with that???, my heart and head keep asking me
about the choices that I HAVE made.

And that worries me. It scares the bejeebers outta' me, frankly.

 Truth?
I am afraid to choose. I am afraid to be wrong, to fail again.
I am afraid to stop just one step before the marathon is over.
[How do you KNOW when it's time to give up?]
I am afraid to close a door that I have kept open for so long -
even when I really don't even care about that direction anymore.
When I start looking at things realistically, objectively,
I realize that some of those doors I have left open have only served
to let all of the heat and/or air conditioned air out of the house.
They are sucking me dry. It's costing me a fortune, and making me uncomfortable.

Though I am a GREAT and enthusiastic 'starter', I am very bad at ending things.
I hang on for FAR too long, hoping for improvement and change,
even when it's very clear that it's gonna' stay 'status quo' indefinitely.
I continue this 'hopefulness' both professionally and personally. Not smart.

In my sweet BFF Lori's inimitable words - it's about damn time I make a change.

This is pretty big.
And though the 'experts' say you should not make big decisions
when under stress or following a traumatic event or loss,
the moment I began contemplating these choices to simplify
my thinking, my life, my time commitments,
it felt right.
It's time to simplify.

 I don't have to let the life I led before be the only life I have.


SO. Big stuff comin':

I'm shutting down my retail design blog and website and facebook page.
That part of my career has given up the ghost, and I am finally ready to bury it.
One of those little voices in my head [it's parental] says
"butttttt....... it can't HURT to just leave those web pages UP there..."
but what's the point if that's not where I want to direct my time and energy?
And if there are no job offers, no commissions, no projects... no matter how hard I try,
then really: what's the point?


I've been building up HOMEWARDfound for a year now,
and it's doing better than I could have hoped for.
The products that I sell there are a small income, along with some writing comissions,
and my recently-launched home styling services here in SoCal has met with a great response
from several residential clients, including a realtor who wants staging services.
This 'use what you have' decorating resonates with people in times like this -
and dang it, I am GOOD at it.
[I should be, I've been decorating this way all of my life: on a budget of nuthin' .]
So I will focus on HOMEWARDfound, and see where it takes me.

And then there is this blog.... Hummadeedledee,
the place where my heart has been on display since 2006.
You've all learned a lot about me and my life here.
Well, my friends, I honestly think the time has come to just stop
 pouring out my heart and soul on a personal blog.
At least for right now.

This place was my first 'home' on the web, and I LOVE the name and what it represents.
I love you who read and comment and pray and join me on this long and winding road.
But for awhile, I've struggled about what to post here because I am changing.
Having this place has helped me to write out my journey,
but I think the time for 'writing therapy' is up.
I'm not done healing, but I am done talking about it.

I'm leaving only my 'moments of grace' posts from 2012 and 2013 for now, as I say goodbye.
I've put all of the other 900 posts since 2006 into draft mode.
The sidebar holds only the blogs I am currently reading,
and the list of resources for those who want to learn about
borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
I've learned a lot about those over the past year,
and it has helped me to recognize things, accept the past, let the anger and hurt go,
and move on with a healthy heart and mind and soul...
Now, privacy is what I need. Privacy to heal, to grow, to dream, to live.

I invite you all to visit me at the HOMEWARDfound blog and on facebook
 Especially if you are looking for my Original Sweet Sweater Pumpkins,
Original Glass Globe Pumpkins, or other decor products & projects.


..and I thank you  from the depths of my heart
for so many years of friendship, support, encouragement, and love here...
for moments of grace that have fed and healed and lifted my heart and soul.

It just feels right, for me, right now, to close this chapter.
To put up a post that says 'Gone Fishing. Indefinitely' and close the doors.
God is asking me to let go of more things, more ideas, more of my own plans.
To step out in faith some more.
 
To let go of the life I have known and planned for 
so that I might have the life I am intended to have.

I am ready now.
And you helped me get here.... thank you all
With love,

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