Letting Go

It's hard to do.

A lot has happened with me, with us, with our life and our business, over the past few months. Especially over the past month. And I am working on walking through it, learning from it, experiencing it, rather than trying to run from it and hide. It's painful, but then so is childbirth. And I feel like that's an apt description for this... something, someone, is trying to be born. Something within me is trying to evolve and grow and emerge through the rubble of the mess my life has become. My past almost fifty years are dragging along behind me in a tattered dirty suitcase, tied to my heart, trying to impede my progress on the journey. I am determined to cut the rope and let them go. To chose the future instead of the past.

I've been accused of being a fake, a phony, a liar... by people I don't know at all and people I know very well. And yet the overwhelming thing is that they don't know ME at ALL. I've lied to MYSELF, and that's been my biggest mistake. I've lied, and covered up and hidden the truth, because the truth was that I have been in pain and anger all along. Nothing I did or achieved 'out there' could fill the emptiness or take away the guilt or pain, because I wasn't being honest with myself. And so when I prayed to God to help me, He destroyed the facade. He broke my heart. He decimated my soul. Because everything that you all saw was what I thought life needed to be for me to live a meaningful existence. To matter. To 'be'.

I was wrong. 

I had to let go of that dream, that plan, that 'me' so that I can find out who the REAL me is. I struggled and I fought and I argued and I cried, and I finally figured out that I needed to let go and submit to the process willingly. Now I am on a journey to find out who it is that I am supposed to become, to be, and what my purpose for the rest of my life is.

I realize the futility of thinking that I had a plan and a dream and a goal to chase. Nope. I have a heart that yearns for love and forgiveness, and only God can give me that. Only I can forgive myself, because I know that there are people in my life who NEVER will offer that. They can't. They can't love me when I don't love myself. They can't forgive me when I can't forgive myself. And they can't see any other way to treat me, because for so long, I have been that excuse, that reason, that causation for the pain that they suffer. I've accepted and built that role for myself, have allowed them to treat me this way, and have lived it for so long that even I believed it was all I was here for.

God destroyed all that. He destroyed the mirage of my life, both what other people saw and what I believed about myself, and offered me clear, clean water instead - the truth. The truth is that I need His strength to endure this process, and I need to forgive myself and love myself and let Him show me where He wants me to go. And I need to shut up. I say too much, I share too much, I want so much to be understood and accepted that I write things like this and open my heart to people I shouldn't.... and then I get wounded when they strike back, and wonder why it happens to me. LOL. Because I put myself out there!

I don't deserve some of the awful , terrible, heartbreaking things that  have happened in my life. I do deserve some of the troubles I have faced, because of bad choices I have made. Some repeatedly. I deserve the awards and accolades I have received for hard work and dedication - in a few cases, I deserve more than I got. I deserve to live and love and make a difference in the world - everyone does. And for now, I deserve to take time to figure out what comes next. To do nothing and rest and recover and discover a new way of being the me that I was destined to be. 

I am re-reading Iyanla VanZandt's books 'Yesterday, I Cried', 'In the Meantime', and 'One Day My Soul Just Opened Up'. Her story is not my story, but her 'issues' are my issues. I found words that she wrote that have echoed in my soul for SO LONG that it brought me to tears. I wrote them down in my journal, and cried again. When I read them, I cry. When someone else has experienced something that echoes your experience, that can cause them to utter words that you have uttered, it is a profoundly healing experience. And that, I suppose, is why I am writing this post. The hope, the wish, that if Iyanla and the Brave Girls can share their pain and somehow touch someone's heart and cause healing to begin, then maybe just maybe my words can do the same for even one person out there.

I don't know if I can keep up with sharing my heart. It's broken and ravaged and tattered, and I don't know how brave I can be. I wonder if anyone reads this blog anymore; I wonder if I shouldn't just stop being personal at all and resign myself to sharing pictures of decor stuff from the web here. I have been told I should not share what I share, here or anywhere, as it reflects badly upon me. The people who say this have never been transparent about their lives or feelings, sometimes not even to those closest to them, so I tend to discount their opinions. Right now, God moved on my heart to share this message. I don't know what comes next... and I am not a girl who likes to say that.  I ALWAYS want to know what comes next. God is breaking me of that, it's clear. 

Big huge changes are in store for me... I can feel it. 

Yeah, even more than the big huge changes that have gone on in the past month.

(Closing a business, moving out of my dream house, letting go of dreams and goals,

and realizing certain things about myself and my family and my life).

I just have to come to a place where I can accept the changes and give in to them, and move forward from the pain and shame and guilt and damage and loss. If you are in that place too, then let me share something with you: Iyanla wrote a marvelous message about birthing a new life here that I think might just touch your heart. I keep re-reading it and I get something different out of it each time.... which is why I am re-reading her books again. When we moved two weeks ago, I found them on a bottom shelf in my office, and packed them in a box to come to our new house. I began reading the first book two nights ago. I am now beginning the second. 

I've figured out that God needed me to be in this place to speak to me in a way I could hear. To begin to heal me of my past, so that I can accept His plan for my future. I just need to be open to accepting it all, and be patient with Him while He is doing His work in me. That's my job right now, and I think that may just be my word for 2012: Acceptance. Not sure yet. 

I told God I want to be a writer. Full time, all the time. I want to write about a lot of things. Whether or not that is HIS plan for me remains to be seen! But if God decides to move on my heart to write and share here about what it is that I am going through, I will. If not, you'll probably see photos of pretty seasonal rooms here. ;0) In any case, whether you stay or go, I thank you for listening. 

I hope with all of my heart that if you are going through a dark night of the soul, if you are laboring to birth a new you into being, that you will find a way to succumb to the process instead of fighting it. Because we all know that once it's over, the pain is gone and the memory of it isn't nearly as bad as the pain and process itself. Take a deep breath, and let the pain fill you. Breathe out and let the pain escape. Do it again. And again. And again. You are not alone, God is with you. You can do this. I can do this. The world will be a better place if we can be honest with ourselves, and do the work to be who we are destined to be. We can let go.

Blessings,

Deb

________________________

Since writing this post last December, more changes have come about.
We sold everything we owned, moved out of the little cottage in Seattle,
and returned to Southern California permanently.
Shortly after that, I ended my marriage to Bob.
We separated, with me living in Southern California and him moving to Texas.

On November 22, 2012, Bob died suddenly in a solo motor scooter accident in Texas.

Yes, it is a tragic, sad ending.

I never thought that my life would come to a place where the love of my life was not in it (as well as my grown children, who cut off contact with me after I made this choice for my life)
... but we learn a lot about ourselves, our relationships,
and other people when stress is our constant companion for years.
One day, something happens to wake us up to reality -
we see everything clearly and without the veil of wishful thinking.

And then, we know we must change ourselves.
we can't change other people. only ourselves.

Those tattered dirty suitcases
that held anger, hurt, pain, sorrow, shame, guilt, fear, and insecurity
aren't dragging along behind me anymore.
I cut them loose... and I am moving forward in faith.