letting the past go

Today is the 'anniversary' of the day that my former life ended.

Of the death of who I was, and wanted so deeply to become.

Of my awakening to the truth of what I was in the middle of and held captive to.

I was held captive by myself, 

by my beliefs, by my hopeful views of what life was and could be.

And by the views others had of me, the things they said about and to me, the things they chose to do to me.

By all of the things I never put up a boundary against to prevent them from doing.

I never stood up for myself... I tried, and failed. 

And no one would stand up FOR me. Ever.

In the midst of the worst pain in my life, 

inflicted by the one person I trusted more than anyone,

not one person would stand up for me to defend me or help me or even ask if I was ok.

Not one. No, they joined IN instead.

I breathed and my heart beat only because my Lord was beside me

there in that driveway, that field, that bedroom, that back porch, 

as the fight raged on.

God was there as I was humiliated by the man I loved most,

and as that man orchestrated events and said things to me and to our children

that were meant to damage me and our relationships beyond repair.

God was there in the police car, in the psych ward, in the hours that my own family

abandoned and ignored me and lied about me to each other and to others

to fatally sever every connection between us.

They did.

I wanted to die. 

My heart and soul and world were ripped to shreds, 

the pain of losing everyone and everything that I cared about was too great to carry.

As I sat on the cold concrete floor of the psych ward holding cell that I had been banished to

alone, abandoned , lied about and manipulated, discarded

while my husband and his parents lied to my children on the phone about what had happened

and their part IN it,

all I wanted was to escape the living hell that my life had become in the past few months and hours.

Thank God for my mother, who came to me in the midst of the wreckage of my life

on September 2nd of last year

and reminded me that I WAS worth loving, worth helping, worth standing up and being strong for.

Even though my own immediate family did not think so.

She was strong for me. She never told me what to do, or how to react to those people who had hurt me, 

but told me I had the right to live, to be happy, to not fear what other people were saying about me,

or fear what ELSE they would do to me or take away from me. 

...and then I knew that I could take the small, slow steps to build a new life. 

And I have.

I ended a dysfunctional and emotionally damaging marriage after 32 years.

The love I had for him was not enough to fix or heal or deal with the problems.

I did not abandon my adult children, even though that is the lie that is being told to them and everyone else who will listen.

I called them immediately after ending it with their father, to explain why, and their reactions and responses are their own choices.

The failure of our life was not all his,
not all his parents who were far too involved in our lives,

but it was also not all mine...
the failure was OURS.
The failure was a joint failure. We both bear the burden. 

And his parents bear a portion of it. Lack of boundaries contributed.

Thank you, Mom, for your Herculean effort to help me a year ago

and every day since

and Thank you, Lord God, for being there with me as I died to myself,

helping me rise again to live a new life that honors You with truth and integrity

instead of lies, fear, and worrying about acceptance.

One year, one horrible awful year,

the worst year of my life,

that has shown and taught me so very much

about me, about love, about God, about faith and about TRUTH.

I was not alone in the world that day, 

even though that is exactly what certain people wanted me to feel like.

Being abandoned and alone was my greatest fear in life.

No, it is no longer my greatest fear, 

and it can't be used against me as a threat,

because I know that my LORD is always with me. Always.

I don't fear the truth anymore. I don't have to protect anyone.

I don't have to lie to make anything or anyone look better, 

or excuse anyone's behavior anymore.

I am not ashamed that I was sent to the psych ward anymore, 

because the lies that sent me there were proved to be lies

when the doctors released me on my own and said nothing was wrong with me

except that I was just living in a REALLY bad situation

and should get OUT of it.

the sheriff's office lieutenant and deputy said exactly the same thing to me 

in the police car on the way to the hospital

and two days later when I went in to talk to them about protecting me.

Amazing how other people can see so clearly what we ourselves don't.

Amazing how the people in closest proximity to us sometimes REFUSE to see the truth.

Hopefully someday, they will.....

For me, I am moving forward now. That awful day is now in my DISTANT past, 

and I see only the possibilities of a meaningful and happy future.

I am grateful that it all happened, actually,

because NOW I know the truth. And can speak it without fear.

And now, because God has healed me from the pain
and I choose not to carry it forward any longer,
I won't speak of it again....

I will carry the good memories and the love that I have left
with me always, safe in my heart
I will hope for restoration of relationships with my adult children and my grandsons
and I will hope that my former husband and his parents
will have the freedom and happiness they said they wanted
with me now out of their lives.

I AM MOVING FORWARD......