just about one year ago, i took this photo
of frozen autumn leaves lying on the ground,
in their last moment of glory.
they reflected my heart and soul and mind at that time in my life.
as i explained in my last post, i had locked down my emotions
put them on ice
to protect myself from any further damage being done
based on what they didn't like about my feelings
those leaves fell off of the beautiful Japanese Maple tree
that stood in the yard
in front of what was once my dream house
on a beautifully peaceful island
in Washington state.
this time last year,
i was in the process of packing up, selling off, and moving out
leaving my dreams and the life i loved behind.
leaving ME behind
because i didn't know WHO i would be
without all that had defined me for so long...
i have had a long, long road to travel since then
and i am grateful for the road i have been on.
that may sound strange to some,
but i have learned so much about me
about my life
about those around me for most of my life
about who i am and was meant to be
on this journey
that i can't help but be thankful for it.
in the past few months,
the discovery of so many resources
about what i have experienced
have enabled breakthroughs in my thinking
have allowed me to see why this happened. and how.
and what my part in it was
because of course i was part of it.
i write about my own experience,
but i wasn't the only one affected by all that happened
over 32 years.
others were hurt, damaged, hardened by it.
i get it now. i know why.
removing myself from the repeated cycles of drama
has given me clear vision to see
all that i could not see in the midst of the many endless storms.
i know what i did right, and what i did wrong.
i know why i did those things for 32 years.
i know what i didn't do, too -
especially those things that i am accused of doing.
there's been a massive shift in my thinking.
i am free from the lies and the beliefs of the past.
from the chains that bound me to one way of thinking and seeing.
i am free from being fearful about my feelings and choices and actions.
i am free from ridicule for the importance of my faith to me.
i am free from shame and guilt and blame for my mistakes.
i do wish i had seen the truth sooner
that i had had courage and strength to have done many things differently
to have changed the dynamic a long time ago
but i did the best i could do at the time
i did what i thought was the right thing
i had hope and faith -
just in the wrong thing.
now that i understand it all,
i can move on,
leaving behind all of the why's that have been screaming in my heart.
they've been answered.
i am healing in so many ways
my heart and my emotions are no longer frozen
and i am grateful
in a related thought,
today i read the following post on a website that i discovered recently.
i think this information is important for so many people,
and it is presented in such a concise and informative way in the article
that makes it easy to share.
i think there are a lot of people out there who might benefit from this information.
Types of Abuse
one that isn't mentioned here is SELF Abuse
if you read the definition of Emotional Abuse and Verbal Abuse above,
you'll find that it is very similar.
except we do it to ourselves.
it's an insidious way of keeping ourselves in the 'victim' role,
convincing ourselves that we can't do anything right
that we are powerless to change or make anything better,
no matter what we do or try.
seeing only our past failures and mistakes
instead of the whole picture of our lives.
oftentimes we have heard negative words and opinions about us
from others first, and repeatedly.
then we internalize them
and we keep playing that tape of negative comments
over and over and over again
inside our heads
until we ourselves believe it.
the damage can be devastating.
accept that God loves you.
accept that HIS opinion of you is more important than ANYone else's
and work your way free of the lies you have been told.
once you know who you really are
regardless of what anyone says about you,
no one can stop you from healing.