Life
brings so many scenarios, situations, and opportunities to lay at our
feet...
literally asking "so, how are you going to handle this? who are
you going to choose to be?"
An odd situation at work has me rather un-nerved.
Though I've joked about how sad I am that an elderly man is the first man to ask me out on a date since I was 17 (because my last 'first date' was when I was 17 and my late husband of 32 years asked me out), and the situation escalated to my feeling like I am being stalked, I actually am touched by this man's reaching out to another person. Even if it's me. Even if it's uncomfortable.
And in the aftermath of last night, I've made a mind-shift:
Instead of being 'weirded-out' by this, I have realized that there is a very real, hurting human being behind it all.
I'm part of a private group on facebook called
An odd situation at work has me rather un-nerved.
Though I've joked about how sad I am that an elderly man is the first man to ask me out on a date since I was 17 (because my last 'first date' was when I was 17 and my late husband of 32 years asked me out), and the situation escalated to my feeling like I am being stalked, I actually am touched by this man's reaching out to another person. Even if it's me. Even if it's uncomfortable.
And in the aftermath of last night, I've made a mind-shift:
Instead of being 'weirded-out' by this, I have realized that there is a very real, hurting human being behind it all.
I'm part of a private group on facebook called
'Second Firsts: Live, Laugh, and Love Again'.
It's not all about losing someone to death, though that is part of it.
We can lose those we love in many ways, even if they still live on. Perhaps that is harder, in a way.
In any case, I have learned SO MUCH from the wonderful souls in that group.They have bravely shared their stories, thoughts, fears, and journeys with one another because that is part of any healing process...
telling our stories and having our experience validated.The group is moderated and founded by Christina Rasmussen, who authored the book 'Second Firsts'.
It has been an amazing experience to read her book and connect with others who are on a healing journey.
They've helped me look INTO a person instead of AT a person to discern what their real story is...
And what I see now when I look at this late-eighty-something man is not a desperate guy looking to hook up with a younger woman, but a hurting heart, and empty hours. Empty rooms.
Fearing an empty life alone.
I am sad for his loneliness.
It's not all about losing someone to death, though that is part of it.
We can lose those we love in many ways, even if they still live on. Perhaps that is harder, in a way.
In any case, I have learned SO MUCH from the wonderful souls in that group.They have bravely shared their stories, thoughts, fears, and journeys with one another because that is part of any healing process...
telling our stories and having our experience validated.The group is moderated and founded by Christina Rasmussen, who authored the book 'Second Firsts'.
It has been an amazing experience to read her book and connect with others who are on a healing journey.
They've helped me look INTO a person instead of AT a person to discern what their real story is...
And what I see now when I look at this late-eighty-something man is not a desperate guy looking to hook up with a younger woman, but a hurting heart, and empty hours. Empty rooms.
Fearing an empty life alone.
I am sad for his loneliness.
I am sorry that he has lost his life companion, because when
that happens I know a person feels adrift and lost and alone and
suddenly un-moored from all that they knew. I know that moments will
come when he sees or hears or reads something that will cause him to
smile, look up, turn his head, and open his mouth to share it with that
person who has been by his side for 52 years - and she won't be there.
He's having to adjust to a whole new life, existence, schedule, and
definition of who HE is in her absence. Yes, he's still the guy who
comes to the park and says hello and chats and smiles. But I've been
told they used to do that together... so he feels her absence even
there. No amount of smiles and visiting and hugs from guests and cast
members can fill that void in the heart of this hurting man. I've been
told he has other problems, which I would surmise makes his adjustment
to his loss and his changed life MUCH harder. He's in pain. He's
grieving. He's JUST two weeks out from losing his wife... honestly, the
pain probably hasn't even begun to set in yet. He's in shock.
I've also been told that I look like a much younger version of his wife - and that opens a whole new door for me in understanding why he has expressed interest in me. I"m not really 'me' - I'm her. The love of his life. The way he remembers her. He's trying to connect to HER, not me. That just breaks my heart. When I was 15 and my grandpa died, I looked for him everywhere. I wanted to find him again. I 'saw' him in so many people.... years later, I even jumped out of the car at a stoplight and chased a man with a snow-white crew cut and khaki work clothes - because I SWORE it was my grandpa walking up the steps of a building. It wasn't, of course, but my broken heart wanted SO BADLY to connect with him again that my mind played tricks on me. I think this is the situation with this man. He misses his wife, his companion, and he thinks he sees her in me.
Because it is the best thing to do, I will not accept his invitation to lunch (nor any other invitations in the future), and I will tell him that in the kindest way possible. With compassion. But firmly and clearly, so there is no misunderstanding. Though I've been told I may have to REPEAT that explanation several times, due to his 'forgetfulness' - and apparent persistence.
Meanwhile, I am asking myself "Why has this man appeared in my life at this time?"
Part of it is obvious to me: to help me reinforce my boundaries, something I have been learning about for almost three years now. I need to assert myself and tell him no. I don't need to accept the lunch invitation because I feel bad for him. But I DO want to be kind, and to reach out to a hurting soul the way that I feel my Lord would want me to. So when I see him next, I will kindly refuse his advances - and then ask him to tell me about his wife. I will validate his love for her and his loss, hopefully to help him deal with this huge shift in his reality. I won't take pity, or try to fix him, or put myself in an unhealthy position - all things I have done before - but I will respect him and respect myself by simply being kind to another person. With limits.
This is the new reality I am creating for myself, in the aftermath of MY loss:
I've also been told that I look like a much younger version of his wife - and that opens a whole new door for me in understanding why he has expressed interest in me. I"m not really 'me' - I'm her. The love of his life. The way he remembers her. He's trying to connect to HER, not me. That just breaks my heart. When I was 15 and my grandpa died, I looked for him everywhere. I wanted to find him again. I 'saw' him in so many people.... years later, I even jumped out of the car at a stoplight and chased a man with a snow-white crew cut and khaki work clothes - because I SWORE it was my grandpa walking up the steps of a building. It wasn't, of course, but my broken heart wanted SO BADLY to connect with him again that my mind played tricks on me. I think this is the situation with this man. He misses his wife, his companion, and he thinks he sees her in me.
Because it is the best thing to do, I will not accept his invitation to lunch (nor any other invitations in the future), and I will tell him that in the kindest way possible. With compassion. But firmly and clearly, so there is no misunderstanding. Though I've been told I may have to REPEAT that explanation several times, due to his 'forgetfulness' - and apparent persistence.
Meanwhile, I am asking myself "Why has this man appeared in my life at this time?"
Part of it is obvious to me: to help me reinforce my boundaries, something I have been learning about for almost three years now. I need to assert myself and tell him no. I don't need to accept the lunch invitation because I feel bad for him. But I DO want to be kind, and to reach out to a hurting soul the way that I feel my Lord would want me to. So when I see him next, I will kindly refuse his advances - and then ask him to tell me about his wife. I will validate his love for her and his loss, hopefully to help him deal with this huge shift in his reality. I won't take pity, or try to fix him, or put myself in an unhealthy position - all things I have done before - but I will respect him and respect myself by simply being kind to another person. With limits.
This is the new reality I am creating for myself, in the aftermath of MY loss:
Deb will still be kind, but Deb will NOT be a
pushover or a doormat, and constantly put other people's feelings ahead
of her own.
On a related note, I have to say that line the from the film 'The Blind Side' REALLY means something to me now... When people 'have your back', and step up to protect you, it feels AWESOME! I work with the BEST team - from fellow cast members to leads to managers, they ALL jumped in immediately and did everything they could to remove me from a very uncomfortable situation onstage last night, to communicate kindly with this guest, and to keep things positive for everyone. Without me even saying a word. A fellow cast member went offstage and told the manager what was happening to me, and the team snapped into action.
I feel safe. I feel protected. I don't feel alone.
In MY life, that's HUGE.
I am truly so grateful that I am where I am in life... I've experienced things that have been more painful than I could have ever imagined. And I survived.
On a related note, I have to say that line the from the film 'The Blind Side' REALLY means something to me now... When people 'have your back', and step up to protect you, it feels AWESOME! I work with the BEST team - from fellow cast members to leads to managers, they ALL jumped in immediately and did everything they could to remove me from a very uncomfortable situation onstage last night, to communicate kindly with this guest, and to keep things positive for everyone. Without me even saying a word. A fellow cast member went offstage and told the manager what was happening to me, and the team snapped into action.
I feel safe. I feel protected. I don't feel alone.
In MY life, that's HUGE.
I am truly so grateful that I am where I am in life... I've experienced things that have been more painful than I could have ever imagined. And I survived.
Through it all, I have prayed that it wouldn't be for nothing. That something good can come from it all.
Since this situation has landed at my feet, my goal is to take all that I have experienced and learned,
and to express the compassion I have for this hurting man following his loss in a way that opens the door to healing for him. So that he doesn't feel so alone with his grief and pain.
Because Alone is hard. But not impossible to survive.
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