the simultaneous way that grief and joy can exist. the changing emotional landscape echoing the changing beach that is, by turns, pounded furiously and then caressed gently by endless waves. the events of days on end changing our perception, much as the clouds moving across a sky change our view. the ache in our souls thrumming with every beat of our hearts - and even then a memory comes to cause our eyes to light and our mouths to smile in joy. gratitude floods our hearts as memories fill our minds, and it is as if the echoing chambers of our heart begin to play music again, instead of the lonely slow cadence of mourning...
in the midst of my sorrow for my sweet friend and her children and the devastating loss of the man they so loved, days like today bring me proof once again that life is, truly, magical.... it is good, it is bad, it is hard, it is playful, it is everything at once and we can't just write off the good stuff because of the bad stuff, or ignore the blissful moments because we are mired in sorrow. we have to accept it all, together, interlinked, a cohesive whole that drives us onward even at the same time that it shocks us into stillness. we have to live with the knowledge that just because bad does happen, it won't always be bad. and just because good comes our way, it won't always be good - that's just how it is, not reflective of our worth or value to our Creator or of how hard we have worked in life or what a 'good' person we are (or not.) it's just simply life. as my Dad would say, 'it is what it is'.
life, i think, was always intended to be a conundrum for us mere humans - a puzzle we cannot complete, a riddle we cannot solve, a lesson we spend eternity learning. a dichotomy of thought and philosophy and belief and doubt. it's a metaphysical amusement park ride that spins, turns, rolls, jerks, rushes, slows, loops, thrills and scares us as we whiz along at speeds that blur our view. as much as we want it to come to an end and the pre-ride calm to return, we know that when it finally does we will never have the chance to ride it again. and so we learn to enjoy the adventure - whatever comes as we go through it laughing, screaming, crying, and living.
i am grateful for all of the moments that my life have allowed me to experience, to grow, to learn, to become the woman i am still becoming...through both joy and pain. i am grateful for the love and friendship of some very special people along the way, who have lifted me and changed me and taught me, who have allowed me to love them and spend a part of my life with them. and i am grateful that even when sorrow surrounds me, God never fails to show me how miraculous and magical and mystifying life truly is...
we don't always get the dream that our heart wishes for.
often we get the exact opposite of what we are fervently praying and wishing for.
and as much as i always try to understand the 'why', to question God's motives and reasons, i have never received an answer... until i realized that there isn't one. we cannot fathom the way life unfolds, none of us. if we saw what was coming in our lifetimes, the combined emotional power of the overwhelming joy and the devastating grief would cause our hearts to stop instantly. we have to take it one day at a time. all of it.
and i am grateful that some of those days bring joy that overflows my heart.
on this day two years ago, my lifelong dream came true when i was hired by the Walt Disney Company. the joy i felt that day was almost too much to contain, and i know how blessed i am to have had a moment like that. many moments like that, actually... the day i was married. the day each of my four newborn babies were placed in my arms. the day that i held each of my four grandchildren for the first time. the day i looked at myself in the mirror and saw a woman i was finally proud to be. the day that i finally heard 'i love you' again from the people i love most. and the day that a voice on the phone said 'you get your dream.'
i may never experience joy like all of those days again... but it's ok.
i have been blessed beyond measure to have had those days, and they live forever in my memory.
roberto benigni was right... 'life IS beautiful'.
and sometimes, it's even magical.
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