reading between the lines

 [image found on Google http://newbabelbooks.com/blog/]

Over the past few months, I've read a lot of books. 

It all began after moving off the farm on the Island in November....

While packing up to move, I found books on my office shelves that I knew would help me deal with some of the emotions and situations in my life at that time. So I trundled them to the new place, a little house in Seattle that we rented from a friend, and spent time reading. I read a little bit each day, along with working on graphics and design plans for clients and on my column for FOLK magazine. Without the pressure of running three businesses simultaneously (Retreat, Retreat shows, and retail design & writing), I actually had TIME to read. Imagine that.

Then the abrupt move to California came about, and I sold and gave away all of those books and all of the other ones I had, along with nearly every possession I had gathered over 32 years. When the truck was packed up for the trip South, I brought my Bible, the book 'Eat. Pray. Love.', and two books by Iyanla Van Zandt with me. (OK, and all of my Country Living and Mary Engelbreit magazines. And my Pottery Barn books. I reduced over 300 books to that.)

Once here, life changed drastically when I told my husband that our marriage was over.  

And I kept on reading. 

I found more books that spoke to my soul, and devoured them. 

I've literally read more books since December than I have in the past five whole years. 

This past week, my friend Lori handed me two books and suggested that I might find them helpful in my life right now. One was by a country music superstar, the other by an actress. I thought 'OK, maybe I'll like them, because their stories are interesting... but I have nothing in common with these women.'

WRONG.

We are women.

It doesn't matter if we are rich or poor, young or old, white or brown, Irish or Jewish by heritage, American or Canadian, married or single, Famous or unknown.

We all deal with exactly the same fears, hurts, pain, worry, desire, and situations in life.

Of course we are all experiencing them from a different perspective, or viewpoint, or level of existence - but at the heart, they are all exactly the same issues.

I remember reading in Liz Gilbert's book, 'Eat. Pray.Love.', where she's talking about her friend Debra, the social worker, who was called to go to work with Cambodian refugees. Debra was worried that she wouldn't be able to connect to these women, to help them after all they had been through, and yet when they came to talk to her, (and these are Liz's words) "It was all, 'I met this boy in the refugee camp, and I thought we loved each other, and I am pregnant now - but now that we are out of there, he's taken up with my sister and won't talk to me. What should I do?' It's all the same with us, no matter where you go or what you go through. It's relationships."

Reading these two books was ALL about the relationships for me.

As I read the words of the Canadian Country Music Superstar, I cringed as she described her home life as a child - because I realized my children lived nearly the same experience. What they remember is the worst of times, no matter how hard I tried over all those years to minimize the bad situations that I felt I could do nothing about, and focus their attention on good things I COULD do. As I read about the woman who came into her life and undermined her marriage, I recognized someone in my own life who has done the same thing (for entirely different reasons but with the same end result - a broken family). As I heard this singer pour out her fears and failings when her entire world was destroyed by the thoughtlessness and abandonment of those closest to her, I felt my soul cry out in agreement.

Then I dug into the pages of the book by the All-American Cute Girl Actress and former wife of a rock legend, and immediately began to cry. I'll be completely transparent here and say that I didn't want to like her. For years, I knew that my husband had a 'crush' on her that was still very real, that he wanted me to be more like his idealized television version of her from our teen years. I am ashamed to say I even changed my hair color from blonde to brown to look more like her in an effort to win his approval of me. I was hardened against her by his love for her. And yet the truth is that I discovered that I am more like her than I ever could have dreamed.

As she described the course that her marriage took and the emotional havoc that it wrought in her heart as it crumbled silently from within, I saw myself. I knew those feelings, and why they transferred into eating everything in sight and lying about how wonderful life was. We each couldn't face the fact that the love of our life was killing us with neglect and resentment and rage and lies. As she became a mother and shared her fears and doubts and the overwhelming loyalty to her child, I cried because I felt those things, too - I never had the strength to stand up and protect my children. Neither did she. We both made excuses and told lies to make it look better to the world, and pretended it just wasn't all that bad.... but it was. We pretended it would get better... but it didn't.

One day, both of these two women got strong, and changed.

They changed their perspective, their minds, their attitude. 

They ended their shame and pain and guilt and suffering by standing up and saying 'enough.'

They read between the lines of their lives, and saw the truth. 

And then they owned it.

So did I. And here I thought I was going through this nightmare alone... Nope, there have been many before me. There will be many after me, walking this difficult and painful path after dreams have shattered.

Of course there will be - we are women, and our lives are all about relationships.

Relationships with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our spouses, our children, with everyone. 

Losing ourselves in those relationships, and then having to find ourselves again somewhere in the course of them - whether it be the beginning, the middle, or the end. Mending, repairing, fixing those relationships.

And sometimes, letting them go.

I am so grateful for the incredible courage that it took these women - one a bit younger than me, one a bit older - to bare their souls and their lives, and tell their stories. I have been so touched and healed by their words, so encouraged by the happy endings they have found in life, that I have written them both letters to thank them. It can't be easy to be famous and stand up to do what they did - and I am sure that they have heard some negative and hurtful comments for doing so. I just wanted them to ALSO hear supportive and thankful comments, from a woman they have truly helped on this journey of discovering herself again.

Oh, and the books I read?

Eat. Pray. Love.  - Elizabeth Gilbert (Thank you, Tracy)
One Day My Soul Just Opened Up and In the Meantime - Iyanla Van Zandt
You're Already Amazing - Holley Gerth (Thank you, Sharon)
This I Believe - Jay Allison & Dan Gediman
Ten Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives - Laura Schlessinger
When Life Changes or You Wish It Would - Carol Adrienne
From This Moment On - Shania Twain (Thank you, Lori)
Losing It - Valerie Bertinelli (Thank you again, Lori!)

I'm about to start reading One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp.

That one is about practicing gratitude... and I have a lot to be grateful for, even in the midst of all of this mess.

Have you read a book that has helped you through a hard time, on an emotional journey, or in the process of personal discovery? I'd love to hear your experiences and have other books to read - please share the name of yours with me!