moments of grace: healing words

 ...and so in my quest to be open, to be aware of and awake to the possibilities of life stretching out in front of me [rather than feeling like I am old and used up and the best half of my life is all behind me - which, face it, would be easy to do] I am reading and praying and meditating and working and walking and resting and WAITING, and letting my God really and truly HEAL me. I am willing to do the work to get to the root of all of this stuff that has happened in a repeating cycle in my life, so that I can heal it and let it go and NOT drag it into my future, like tattered dirty suitcases filled with broken dreams and regrets and tied to my heart.

I shared the books I've been devouring reading in this post, and mentioned that I was about to begin Ann Voskamp's 'One Thousand Gifts'. I had heard it discussed on the radio, and seen it mentioned on a few blogs. I knew it had to do with grace, and thankfulness, and healing. 

Here's what Zondervan, the book publisher, says to describe it:

Drawing heartbreaking beauty out of the simplest of details, Ann Voskamp invites you into her grace-bathed life of farming, parenting, and writing---and deeper still into your own life. Here you will discover a way of seeing that opens your eyes to ordinary amazing grace, a way of living that is fully alive, and a way of becoming present to God that brings you deep and lasting joy.

 

But I really had NO IDEA what this book was about to do to me. Dear Lord.... this book rent my soul in two allllllll over again within the first few pages.

I had such a deep emotional reaction to one descriptive term that she wrote, that I had to write out my thoughts for two hours.

As I read those words, a mental picture came into my head that had nothing to do with the heartwrenching story that the author was relating. Instead, it was MY story I saw in pictures in my mind's eye. What I had to write, was compelled to write, was a description of what my pain and wounds would look like if they were visible... if they had been visible on that day when I died to all that I had been before. 

No one else will ever read my words [ok, well, maybe my counselor will] but just getting them out of my head and my soul has done a great deal to heal my heart.

You see, I could not share or reveal my pain while I was feeling it. For six months, I could not let anyone see it, because I feared the ramifications and their reactions when my emotions were visible. It was a recurring pattern, and I had just suffered greatly because I got emotional... so I damn well wasn't about to do it again with those people who hurt me so deeply still around me. And because I hid it, no one who saw me ever thought that anything was wrong. They thought I was just strong and able to handle the pressure of all that was going on in my world. I wasn't. I was dying inside. And so my journaling detailed my death as if the wounds had been visible mortal physical ones, instead of invisible spiritual and emotional ones that murdered my soul.

It hurt. It actually physically hurt while I was pouring my emotions onto the pages. I cried. I got angry all over again. I was hurt all over again. I was despondent all over again. I relived the plunge of my soul and my psyche into a darkness deeper than I have ever experienced in my life... but it wasn't as hopeless as it was back then. I know now what I didn't know for sure back then, in the midst of it all: I am strong. And I am not alone.

Catharsis. Spurred by eight words penned by another woman swallowed by grief and searching for meaning. This is what books can do, why we write, why we read: 'The Word heals' in God-breathed, Spirit-led Words. They lead us down paths into ourselves, and reveal the broken places that God longs to heal.

I have a really great plan for my own gratitude journal, and will share it next time.

If you'd like to see what Ann has to say, and I highly recommend that you do,

you can find her here:

Read Ann's Blog

(you can get all kinds of free things to help you find grace there!)

Ann contributes to inCourage

Buy Ann's Book

book image found here