white oleander

i began reading this book yesterday 

and stayed up into the early morning hours to finish it

i couldn't put it down

after i closed it,

i tried to sleep

couldn't

too many thoughts and explanations

running through my head

spinning

so at three in the morning

i got up and wrote it all out in my journal

i think i understand a lot more

about why things are the way they are now

why they have been the way they have been for so long

and why i didn't see it all

until it was far too late

i can't share what i wrote

because there is no way to say it

without revealing too much 

about other people

but

i will say

that i am a mom

and i didn't do my job well

i didn't protect them

even though i tried to

and now

they want me to pay for it

i get it now

it's easier for them this way

if I am solely to blame

then they don't have to feel it

or carry it

or bear the scars

they can just go on living as they have

and ignore it as they have

while i keep carrying the guilt and shame and pain and scars

like i have for so long

being willing to be the beast of burden

because i feel responsible for all the pain that

i could not protect them from.

i should have protected them

but then.... he should have, too.

they are moms too

so maybe someday

they will see it

as it really is and was

the children will grow up

and open their eyes

and see the truth

that we all do the best we can

with what we have

and that no matter where we are in the world, 

we know what time it is where our mother is.