i was in Las Vegas celebrating my sister's birthday with her ;0)
this week, i am going to write about gratitude even though it doesn't seem like it at first.
i've been crying out for God's grace all this week.
for one reason or another, i've just been in a really emotional place.
and it's all about my kids.....
that photo up above is my very favorite photo of all time of my four children.
i have photos taken of them (3 girls, 1 boy) at all three of my daughter's weddings
and i really love those photos.
i have a family photo including two sons in law, one fiance, and a brand new baby that i adore.
but this photo above, of the kids sitting on a log washed up on the beach at Mukilteo, Washington
snapped on our first trip there in 1994 after we moved to Washington....
that's my favorite.
for years, as the kids grew up and met 'the guy' or 'the girl' and got married,
and then started blessing me with adorable grandsons,
i wanted to gather everyone together again on that beach in Mukilteo
and shoot the same photo - with all of the extra family members added.
and i wanted one with mom & dad in the photo, too.
then we moved to Camano Island, to the home of my dreams,
the place that i had always wanted for these kids and their kids to 'come back to',
and i wanted to recreate this photo down on 'our beach' just two blocks from the house.
it's hard to coordinate that when two kids and their families live in Texas
and the rest of us were in Washington
but i was determined to do it.
now the house of my dreams is not a place where the kids and the grandkids can gather anymore.
the beach down the road is not a place where they will all come together to sit for a family photo.
it's all a memory now, a dream that only partly came true.
and my family is in ruins.
it's not just geographic distance between us now that makes it difficult (if not impossible).
our relationships could be described as that beach after a winter storm:
strewn with wreckage, debris, and garbage; desolate, broken and battered.
i miss my children.
they are adults now, with their own children and families.
i may never see them again. i may never hear their voices again.
i may never hold my grandsons again, or hug my daughters, or have my son hug me.
i may never ever be a 'real' mother again, or a grandmother.
it is as if every moment of my life for 32 years was for nothing.
there is nothing left of any of it.
i gave my family all that i had to give,
they let me know it was never enough for any of them,
and all that i had was taken from me in the end.
including them.
i watched a movie last night...'Must Love Dogs'.
Diane Lane is the lead actress in that film, but i didn't see HER as i watched it.
i saw my daughter J. she is younger than Diane, but looks exactly like her.
there was a preview on TCM for 'My Fair Lady', but i didn't see Audrey Hepburn on the screen.
i saw my daughter B. her resemblance to Audrey is remarkable - even though she doesn't see it.
today i was flipping channels
(i know it sounds like i watch too much tv, but i have it on while making hundreds of sweet sweater pumpkins )
and a cartoon character was on the screen... a tall thin redhead with a ponytail and glasses.
the cartoon was 'Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs' and the character was Sam.
only it wasn't Sam, it was my daughter A.
if you drew her as a cartoon, that's her. (well, and Ariel, too).
i was filling the gas tank today and the guy who got out of the truck in front of me stopped my breath.
he could have been my son - looked identical.
(which is to say that he looked a lot like David Annable, the actor from 666 Park Avenue and formerly of Brothers & Sisters).
no i am not obsessed with celebrities... i am, apparently, obsessed with my KIDS.
i see them everywhere.
except in reality.
and i miss them.
and i hope that someday i won't have to miss them so much
because our relationships will heal
or be built new.
so
i am grateful
that the love i have as a mother for her children
and a grandmother for her grandsons
can not be taken away from me.
by anyone.
i gave them everything i had, willingly, and in return i didn't get what i needed.
but i did get a lot of memories, and a love in my heart for each of them
that is deeper than the sea and wider than the sky.
i'd prefer to have THEM, and their love, but if that never happens -
if they choose not to ever speak to me again -
then at least i had it for a part of my life.
and i am grateful that God gave me that kind of love in my lifetime.
even though it hurts this much to be apart from them,
to think that this wound will never heal.
i miss them.
i love them.
and i pray that God will watch over them for me
and that if He sees fit, He will bring them back to me.
He has given me glimpses of grace,
like when my son contacts me by phone and lets me talk to my grandson.
do i even need to explain how hard it is to keep from turning into a blubbering idiot
when a tiny little voice says 'i wuv youuu gwammaw!'????
i fail miserably. i blubber idiotically.
and i am SO grateful for this miracle.
i read something the other day about a mother dealing with a difficult child.
she was wondering if her child would ever 'get' the lesson in life he was supposed to.
her father in law said to her 'what if this lesson is for YOU?'.
meaning what if this child's difficulties are meant to teach YOU, mom, something valuable?
that's where i am.
my children's difficulties accepting that i left their father after 32 years,
after they were all grown and gone,
and my reaction to their responses to me
is supposed to teach ME something, not them.
okay, well, maybe them, too.
i am learning that as hard as it is, as much as it hurts, i have to learn this lesson.
i told them that they could not treat me like dirt anymore.
that i would not accept being treated that way by their dad, or his parents, or by my kids.
and they are angry about that. i haven't stood up for myself before.
it's hard. it sucks. it makes me feel crappy sometimes.
it makes me feel like caving in and calling them and MAKING them listen to me.
(hah... like that ever really worked before)
but no, these are not children.
they are adults.
they made choices, just as i made choices.
and they expect me to accept their choices - so i am.
they will need to make a new choice, and contact me to break this silence.
i'm not begging, i'm not apologizing, i'm not excusing anything.
but i still miss them.
and love them.
God grant us Your Grace to heal...
4 comments:
Your post made me think about my husband. He has a strained relationship with his mother as well. They sometimes go years without speaking. He loves her though. He does not speak ill of her and has never kept our kids from corresponding with her. I think your son is the same as my husband. Clearly, he loves you and is doing the right thing in having his child call you. That is so wonderful.
I cannot say how I would react if my mother told me she was leaving my father. I suppose I would view my father as the victim and be angry at my mother. In time I would forgive. I hope your daughters will do the same. It would be a shame for them to lose out on your love.
To keep this comment from becoming a novel of "been there, done that", just know that you are not alone. Not alone in making a tough decision, not alone in having children (even as adults) upset with you, not alone as a woman who wants to live an authentic life, not alone in your sadness, in the moments of joy, or any of what you are going through.
I'll be saying prayers for you and your family because I do understand.
Thank you for your kind words, ladies... I appreciate that you took the time to share your hearts with me.
Deb,
My heart just aches for you!
My eyes are wet from tears!
I know you will come through this tough time. You are a beautiful person and that void in their lives needs to be filled. Only you, as mother and grandmother, can fill it.
I am proud that you stood your ground of not being walked over. Hard but a must.
Prayers and Blessing to you!
Christine
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