moments of grace

 this week, i am grateful for messages from the divine.
i don't mind how they come to me, 
and i am grateful that i recognize them when they do come my way.

last spring, in a rare outing, 
my mom and i went to see the film The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

you see, back then, 
mom was dealing with debilitating pain in her back and leg, limited mobility, and the psychological waves that come with facing physical pain and changes. 
getting out and around was painful for her.
i was dealing with adjusting to a life at 50 that looked far different than i had ever thought it would - and the psychological waves that came with facing my life in the rear-view mirror.
just being anywhere was painful for me.

it's a daunting task to reflect on one's life and see the good, the bad, and the really bad - 
and not come out of it depressed, angry, and debilitated 
simply because it looks rather different than expected.

most things in life do look different than expected, right?

anyway, i watched the film again tonight, on dvd, with mom & dad.
and i love it even more.

 i love it more because i really watched Dame Judy (Dench) this time
and i saw such a reflection of myself in her character that i was captivated.
the things her character Evelyn is struggling with are similar, and she's scared
she's old, and she's had one specific kind of life for most of her years,
and now she's having to discover a new life and a new HER.
she's found out that things weren't at all what they seemed, 
or what she thought they were.
she's having to deal with lies, and broken promises and dreams. 
the woman is scared to death about navigating life alone, yet she's brave - 
she moves to Jaipur, for one thing.
then she goes out on her own, gets a job, makes friends. 
she even falls in love again.

life becomes less of a rear view mirror and more of a window onto a world full of wonder,
ready to be explored and experienced and enjoyed.
and her age has nothing to do with it.

look at the photo above, and you can see that she figures it out!

i hope to God someday i have that kind of 
beatific look of peace and joy on my face
whilst sitting in beautiful, inspiring surroundings enjoying myself
and not being scared to freaking death that my world will cave in AGAIN
after i work hard to rebuild it.

God is working on that with me, 
providing resources and education and information
that are helping me to understand what happened and why
and how to keep it from EVER happening to me again.
for that i am eternally grateful, 
because one of my biggest fears is being back in that kind of relationship again,
where people think they can treat me any way they want.
i refuse to go there. 
and i'd rather learn the hard lessons i have to, to keep it from happening again
than say i'll never have a relationship again.

 i noticed something in the film this time that i didn't notice before:

all of the characters who are British senior citizens
look very old and tired and worn out at the beginning of the story -
but by the end, almost all of them look happier, more relaxed, and younger.
they rediscovered worth, usefulness, vitality, and love on this adventure,
and it shows. 

that is inspiring!

My favorite line from this film is 
"Everything will be alright in the end. 
And if it's not alright, it is not yet the end."

it wasn't the end for Evelyn and her friends...
they took a leap of faith and found that they could fly.
it's not yet the end for me, either...



Jocelyn Pascall said...

Great post. 50 is just a number. You are a strong, beautiful, creative, spiritual, worthy and soulful human - there is still a lot out there for you.

About 5 years ago, I went through an incredibly painful breakup (that turned out to be the BEST thing that could have happened to me) and my little brother, who was literally 16 at the time (I am 10 years older than him), said to me one night while I was crying, "Don't worry. I know you will find love because you are such a loving person that it will just find you." I was blown away by him, but also the words have stuck with me because I really think it's true. It's all about the journey....

Christine said...

I can feel your pain and the struggle for recovery. I applauded you and sharing with all of us your journey to healing and finding what you lost.

Sharon Hughes said...

I love the honesty and integrity that you speak from :)