baggage

delving into the darkest recesses of my mind is the hardest part of this journey.

i go in with the full knowledge of the pain and sadness that i will encounter,
willing myself to sit with those emotions and explore them
in order to accept them as part of my story - and then let them go.
you can't heal from things you won't face.
if you bury it, ignore it, remain angry at it, re-write the history of it
then you are stuck in it.

i refuse to be stuck any longer.
i refuse to be slowed down in the progess of my life
by baggage from the past.

i wrote here that i felt i had been dragging dirty tattered suitcases behind me in life,
suitcases filled for over 50 years
with the unimaginable weight of my guilt, shame, doubt, sorrow, and regret.
a visual picture appears in my head when i write that again
and i wish i could create a vignette of suitcases tied to me with heavy rope
and photograph it to show it to you.
i can't, so the image above this post will have to suffice...
[i snapped that at the Lucky Street Productions Vintage Market in Oceanside, CA yesterday]

so on this journey, i'm dealing with things like i shared in my last post.
abortion, and teen pregnancy.
along with that, i'm dealing with related issues of motherhood.

four beautiful babies were given to me and i love them with all my heart.
but when it comes to parenting, i blew it. a lot.
i did the best i could, i can honestly say that.
i just should have done better.
should have been more courageous and smart
instead of wishing and hoping and praying that it would somehow work out.
instead of hoping that if i just did enough, was enough, then i could make their lives better.
instead of thinking that i could just make life easier and happier for everyone

i lied to my children.
i lied by telling them untruths and i lied by hiding things from them.
i lied by making excuses about my own behavior and the behavior of others.
i lied by distracting them from the reality of some very bad things in life.
i lied by thinking that if i could make home and life and holidays LOOK pretty and fun and happy,
then life would be that way for them. 

and in the end, i hurt them - as much as the words and hands and angry stares from others did.
because i didn't protect them from it.

this guilt and shame and regret gnaws at me,
repeatedly rips holes in my heart as i remember it

there couldn't be a more helpless, demeaning feeling in the world
than feeling like other people can do and say anything that they want to you
and you can't stop it
and no one will stand up for you.

i get really mad thinking about times when no one stood up for me in my life.
in my childhood, a person hurt me terribly with verbal abuse and some physical abuse and neglect.
my grandpa and my mom finally stood up to that person, and made it stop by leaving.
so of course i can understand to a point why i am the target of anger. i failed to protect them.

as an adult, there were so many times that in order to make the rage stop,
to prevent it from getting worse and affecting the kids and me even more,
i didn't stand up for my kids the way i should have.
i backed down and backed off and made excuses.

there were repeated behaviors and thoughts and patterns in our home
that hurt everyone.
they were carried on by more than one person involved - including me.
i reacted badly to situations and often caused them to get worse.
i didn't know how to deal with what was going on
and after trying once to reach out for help and being threatened
with the most horrible loss i could imagine,
i never spoke of it again. i should have.
i should have gone to the right people.

oh, i believed in love, and in its power to change things. people. situations.
if i could just love enough, i could fix it. heal it. change it.
and in the meantime, loving meant hiding. hiding from the truth.
but without addressing serious problems head-on,
love was not enough to change or overcome them.
in the end, that is why it ended.
love wasn't enough. 
there has to be truth and acceptance and accountability along with love.

which brings me back to the beginning of this post:
you can't heal from things you won't face.
if you bury it, ignore it, remain angry at it, re-write the history of it
then you are stuck in it.

i never want to be in that place again - stuck in behaviors that wreak destruction
on people i love and care about.
i never again want to be stuck in a place in my heart
where i think that love means that fear and rage are covered up, hidden, lied about,
and shoved into dark corners
instead of brought out into the light where they can be seen and dealt with.

and so, i willingly walk into dark corners
sit in silence
read
journal
cry
scream
and pray (a LOT)
so that i can heal

i am so proud of my kids
they are so strong. so amazing. they have weathered so much
and have become incredible adults
but they hide that awful pain
that was inflicted by their parents.

we aren't at the point of talking about the hard stuff
in our tenuously re-established relationships yet.

but i hope that one day,
i can share what i've learned with the four people whom i love so much
(and there is so much more than what i can share here yet)
and have them hear the truth again:
it wasn't because of you!
you didn't cause this, you didn't deserve this. you deserved better than this.
and i am so very sorry for my part in the pain that you suffered.
and light will enter those dark corners at last
and grace will flood in
and they will heal, too...