right here. right now.

[image from www.conceptneon.ca]

i spent a restless night having dreams i would rather not have.
painful memories bubble up from those dark corners,
filling my mind with turmoil and my heart with dread.

i actually woke up this morning tensed up like i had been at war,
expecting to open my eyes and find myself
17 months in the past,
on another day of doing silent battle for my survival.

i am so
sick of fighting
sick of hurting
sick of waiting
sick of wondering and questioning
every thought i had for years
every decision made
every word spoken
every motive behind it all
and what comes next....

i plead to God, asking Him
to just build a giant billboard right in front of me
with flashing lights and big letters
that show me EXACTLY where to go and what to do

i know it doesn't work that way
but i ask, anyway

and then i read this blog post...
i hear this.
this resonates with me.
it speaks to
the impatience and restlessness i feel inside,
the feelings of 'geeze, Deb, get yourself together already! '
that i imagine my family and friends must be thinking.
the fears of not having the finances to be responsible for debts
of my own, and of others
for the deep desire to just get ON with it
and live a new life.

the words of writer Bonnie Grey once again reach into my heart
and crack it open
speaking comfort and love to those dark corners
reminding me that God isn't rushing me.
neither is anyone else.
i am doing this to myself.
my own impatience and need to 'produce' something in life
is a part of that long-held belief that 'i am what i do' or 'i am what i give'.
i'm still learning this lesson
and God intends for me to learn it well.
i can't move forward, move on
until i do.
in His grace, He intends to completely heal me
before i go any farther...

and so i am re-reading Bonnie's post
letting it soak into my soul
that God's place for me right now is right here.
right where i already am.

if He DID build that billboard,
it would be a giant red neon arrow with blinking white lights around the edges
and it would be pointing
right at me
because i am where i am supposed to be:
with Him.

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