Thanksgiving...

Day 21

I am Thankful for Memories.

Thankful that I can close my eyes and conjure up moments 

of great meaning and joy, of love and happiness, of times when life was good...
moments on beaches, moments working together, moments with our children and grandchildren,
moments when hope and faith and joy overcame everything working against us.

Thankful that even in the face of pain and grief and loss,
memories can bring closeness - and sometimes closure.
Thankful that healing comes through remembered experiences, stories,
and scenes of the film of our lives that plays inside my head.

Thankful that even when a memory comes unbidden that shakes me to my core,
I can stop it, and focus on another, better, kinder, memory to replace it.
I can choose to remember the good, the worthy, the lovely, the meaningful things from the past...
so that the way the past and those in it live on is surrounded in love and light.

Thankful that it was all part of my life... pain and laughter combined.

This day last year was the last day that the man who was the love of my life for 33 years
lived and laughed and was the Bob that we all remember.
And yes, despite the fact that I separated from him, 

there was still so much love, along with the hurt.

I am still wishing it all hadn't ended as it did....

"Memories light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolored memories
of the way we were
Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
of the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again,
Tell me... would we? Could we?

Memories may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter we will remember
We will remember
I will remember
The way we were..."
______________________________________

Day 22

Many people are thinking of John F Kennedy's death today... 
but to THIS Kennedy family, this day will never mean anything more 
than what it came to mean last year: 
Pain, sorrow, and loss that scar hearts.

I don't have words to tell our children how sorry I am, to comfort them, 
to help them grieve and mourn and heal. 
I try, but it's not enough. It will never be enough. 

I have walked this path of pain many times before, and since, 
and try to share with them that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way 
to mourn those we love and lose. 
We all walk this path in our own way, in our own time, on our own experience. 
We all heal differently.

Life is a journey... 
sunshine and rain, laughter and tears, birth and death are all a part of it... 
it just seems that often, death comes so unexpectedly. 
Which makes it more painful. It's the unsaid, the unforgiven, the unresolved that we regret. 

As our daughter Anni said, 
 "Never let a chance to say 'I Love You' pass by... 
because you never know if it's your last chance". So true.

I am not Thankful for what this day means, 
for the painful memory it will bring each year when it comes around again. 

But I AM thankful that in tears, there is healing. 
In memories, there is love. 
In shared stories and traditions, there is the spirit of the man 
who made so many people laugh in his lifetime. 
In that, he lives on...

This photo was one I took at Huntington Beach last Thanksgiving Day, at sunset, 
as I said my own private goodbye to the man I loved 
while our children said goodbye to him at his side in Texas. 
Our 33-year story began at the beach - and sadly, it ended there, too. 

I imagine him to be out there in the waves even now, 
surfing and laughing and living it up, as he so loved to do. 

May his soul be at peace...

In Memory of Bob Kennedy 1963-2012