11.09.2012

on journals

one of the great blessings in life is discovering worthwhile things about yourself...

i am a writer. it's what i do - have always done, actually.
i started the newspaper at my elementary school when i was in fifth grade. 
i wrote for the junior high yearbook, and the high school newspaper.
from sixth grade on, i not only loved art, but words...
my journals were filled with poetry that i read and loved, or wrote myself.
with sketches. with prayers.

as i grew up, i realized that no one in my life understood me at all.
i guess all kids feel that way at one point or another!

but the thing is, I didn't understand me - so how could anyone else???

a lot happened to me as a kid, and as a teen, 
so i turned to writing as a cathartic exercise 
and a method that enabled me to put my confused emotions into words.
my reason? 
to try and make sense of them...
to strive to understand for myself what all of the stuff inside my head meant.
why i felt the way i did about what happened to me, and around me.
i didn't do it for anyone but me... no one ever read those journals.

no one read the journals i kept as an adult, either.
poems, prayers, stories, outlines of possible books, and yes, a few fantasies!
[there was this hunky veterinarian, and.... nevermind]
i didn't keep them for anyone but me. no one else will ever read them.

i've been blogging here since 2006,
sharing the mundane and the sublime, 
the ups and downs, the highs and lows,
of my life and business.
i share poems, stories, images, ideas
just like i did in my earlier journals.

only this isn't private.
no, it's the publicly-accessible place where i speak 
and write
with my own voice.
about whatever i am dealing with at the time.
and i am writing it for myself, but also for those who come here to read.
i want it to mean something...

there are many posts in my blog archives that have glowing, loving, grateful stories
about my soon to be ex husband and my grown children. 
even his parents are in there.
even my son's ex wife is in there.
i've praised these people, i've applauded them, i've expressed my incredible pride of and love for them.
repeatedly.
i've never heard a word about that... not a thank you, not a 'i didn't know you felt that way', 
not a 'that was so sweet...'. nothing.
nope.

i never knew that any of them read my blog, actually.
i am not sure if they did before. before 'the end', you know?
but they do NOW.
uh huh.

well, i'm just going to say that 
i'm not going to erase any of those posts,
because they are part of my story. 
and i am not going to erase any of the posts that i have made over the past nine months
that have less than positive things to say about the state of the relationships in my life
nor am i going to refrain from writing about them in the future
because this is about MY story. MY life. MY self. MY experience.
i have every right to speak, to write, to share the things that affect me.
as long as i do it honestly. 
without malice and hatred, without lies and destruction as my methodology.
and that is what i do.
i write from my heart, with the goal of healing, learning and growing, 
and hopefully offering a glimpse of hope
so that others who face these hurdles 
might do the same.

apparently, God has a hand in this ;0)

because since i began writing 
about my destroyed life and shattered heart,
and the painful experience 
of being out of contact with my adult children,
(who, i do realize, are in pain over what they THINK happened here... i get that)
i have had so many women
write me, email me, message me on facebook, and comment here to say 
'thank you for speaking up'. 
'thank you for sharing - this is me, too'. 

'thank god your life is a mess because it looked so damned perfect i was about to scream'

LOL that one really cracked me up!
no, honey, i - my life - my family - my business - and God knows, my marriage -
were never perfect.
i don't even think it looked perfect.
i was just doing what i had always done to make things look/feel/seem okay
while hoping with all my heart that someday, 
it WOULD be okay.

it took an assault comparable to the advance forces of the Green Beret to do it,
but i finally woke up from all that dreaming and 
learned that that is no way to live.
covering up messes, hoping and wishing for peace and love, working 24/7 to do and be
what everyone around you says you need to do and be.
hiding behind the dreams.
hiding the pain and shame and sorrow deep inside.
willing myself to not see what i really, really needed to see.

nope.
not doin' that anymore.
i'm just committed to keep moving forward (thank you Uncle Walt)
committed to keep learning what happened, and why
and how to keep it from EVER happening again
committed to keep experiencing life and all that it brings my way.
committed to keep saying YES to God.
committed to being open, honest, and 100% ME.
committed to keep writing.

here, on my blog.
it's just my journal. 
something i have done all my life.
only now, instead of written in composition books that get shoved into a box in the closet,
it's written on a laptop and shows up on computer screens.

yes, there is another one. 
i journal in a composition book tucked near my bed
i've been counseled to use that
when i want to scream or when i am overwhelmed
or when a flash of insight helps me understand more about
all that happened. it helps!
i write it just for me. no one else will ever read it.
and i am amazed to read back through it and see how far i have come in a year.

and that's the thing about journals and blogs...  
they hold our stories. our lives. 
told in our voices.

so i thank you, from the bottom of my broken but healing heart, for being here.

2 comments:

Karen said...

Dear Deb,

I am one of those lurkers, a woman who "found" you via our precious mutual friend Kim F. My heart has ached to read/see/hear/process the pain you've endured. I can't imagine...and yet, I can. Your transparency and emotional integrity have been such a sweet testimony to me. I find myself cheering for you and believing more than ever that what our enemy means for evil, God can redeem - without limits. Many times I've wanted to leave a comment for you, but felt awkward since we don't know each other. Kim encouraged me to do it and today's entry seems the perfect opportunity to say hello. Thank you for standing up for yourself and for not cowing to those who would want to silence your growth. Liars don't want truth to shine; truth-tellers are a threat! Stand upon the authority of God's Word: you are his beloved and no-one can separate you from that secure position. I'm grateful you have loving parents who have helped you reclaim your identity. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you as flourish and blossom, set free to create and write and inspire and bless. You are safe. You have faced the worst "what ifs" the world could hurl at you and guess what? you're alive to tell about it! Keep speaking the truth. I join the choir of encouragers singing songs of victory to cheer you on! An admirer and fellow pilgrim, Karen.

DebK said...

Karen, thank you for your healing words, my dear. I am so touched by them, by your support and understanding, and it is not at all surprising to me that you are a friend of Kim's! Her spirit has always been a healing balm to my soul, and I am so grateful for her love, prayers, support, friendship, and comments here - as I am for yours. I AM learning to stand up for myself, and though it is hard and often painful to do so (because it separates me from those I love) I know that in the end, God will do something beautiful with all of this... and hopefully, my adult children will learn that boundaries and limits are a healthy way to approach life and relationships. <3

Blessings to you, sweet girl!