the path of most resistance

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
 
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
 
It was already late enough,
and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
 
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
 
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
 
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

i read that poem on the pages of O Magazine over a decade ago.

i read it in 2002, just after i separated from my husband of over 20 years

and moved into a house a few blocks away from the house we rented.

i cut out the poem from the magazine, and hung it on my inspiration board.

five months after moving out

after months of individual and couples counseling

and a marriage communication course

we reconciled, and i moved back home.

i keep things.

so, i kept that poem cut out from O Magazine

in a file of quotes and poems. 

last year at this time, when i moved from Washington back to Southern California

i grabbed some of my files to bring with me.

and that file was one of them.

at the same time of the move,

i finally spoke the words that definitely ended my marriage of 32 years -

six months after the words and actions of others damaged it beyond repair.

damaged ME almost beyond repair.

and oh, the storm REALLY raged when i ended it.
i don't know if the idea was to make me feel guilty

so that i'd rush back to him

or if the idea was just that i needed to suffer for all eternity.

but in either case, those 'voices' were definitely shouting loud again

as i walked away from the house that trembled

knowing with every painful step that i had to save 

the only thing that i could save...

myself.

when i set up my new 'office' area,

i created an inspiration board

and pinned that poem to it.

once again, it spoke to me about where i was in life.

and here's the amazing part:
only in the past month

have i truly understood what it means to me....
i know now what 'the melancholy' is.

i know now what 'it was already late enough' means.

i know now what the 'fallen branches and stones' represent.

and i know what the road is, and where it leads.

the words of a poet,

speaking over the space of a decade,

to express the truth of my life and soul and situation

to reflect my journey

and to heal my heart...

today i came across glennon's blog post

wherein she shared this poem,

along with her own thoughts...

"You cannot save anyone else. 

All you can do is save yourself so that those you love can see how it’s done.

God also said: “Lose your life and you’ll find it.” 
I’ve lost my life. Everything I’ve ever planned and dreamed for is gone.
Somehow, with it all gone, my life is emerging. 
I don’t know how the hell that works, it just does.
It’s still a love story. Love still wins. 
Love and redemption come in so many different shades."

moments of grace, found in words by other women
and the journey continues...